I found myself sobbing today. I thought I was past that. That I had honestly cried every tear that I could. I'm having a hard time with this. And I've dealt with some big stuff over the years. But this. This is hard. For ten years we've lived this precious life. Sure we've had hard times. But we've formed this safety net of church family and friends. I love them all dearly.
I feel like I'm pulling away now though. It started this summer. When we hit the road. I was terrified. I said good bye to my friends and we left. And things changed. Yes, we came home. But even still things changed. And now things have changed even more and while part of me wants to be with this family we've chosen, another part of me wants to pull away. To hold tightly to the ones in my house and run away. Because if you don't get close. You can't hurt this bad. Right?
And then I know that's not right. As I looked across the fire tonight to see a dear friend helping my oldest roast his hotdog. I know we need those people. And as the kid from our Sunday School class (who's not a kid, but still) asked me questions that I just don't have answers for. I felt my place. I'm needed here. In this place. With these people. If only in a minute role. I am needed. They are watching. They are wondering how to deal with this and while I don't have a clue, I know that we do it together. And that we reach out for Him.